Echoes of the Mind 
by Shadowdawn (Shadowdawn19@hotmail.com)
===================

I sat there in the dark, hoping to find answers inside my 
head. I looked around and saw the time. It was three in the morning. 
For the past month I have been sleeping at the brink of dawn and woke 
up at the start of dusk. I turned off the computer, for I had already 
grown tired of it. I also turned of all lights, for it helps me think 
in the dark. 

'Haven't you ever noticed that whenever you are about to go to sleep, 
all these thoughts run by your brain? Thoughts on what you're going to 
to tomorrow. Thoughts on what you already done yesterday'. 

I pondered on my life. On what I did right (or at least my conception 
of what was right) in my entire life. And on all those mistakes I 
have made upon the year before. In other words, I pretty much thought 
of my life. Then I had a yearning for I cigarette. I tried to look 
for in the vast expanse of the dark to no avail. So I felt for it and 
found it. I blindly got one out and lit it with my lighter. After 
taking a puff (thus ending my craving for the nicotine) I've gotten to 
thinking again. 

'Why was I killing myself slowly? There was no point in smoking. It 
only damages your lungs and procures a slow but inevitable death'. 

Then it hit me... 

'Why did I also smoke pot? If it can kill you ten times faster than 
smoking a cigarette, why do it then?' 

But the answer to that was in the back of my head all along. 

"In my opinion, we smoke cigarettes because of the sensation that 
developes inside us. The pleasure of satisfying the hunger for 
nicotine was indescribable, even though we know that it will 
eventually kill us. It was for the pleasure, not the pain. And this 
was also true with pot. People take pot because it heightens the 
subconsious, even though it blunts the perception." 

But this trail of thought got me into thinking again. 

'Was not what I was doing the almost the same thing? Was not sitting 
in the dark my way of letting out my subconcious to roam free?' 

That it was. And so I promised on to myself that I would not smoke 
pot. A hard promise, but it was one I intended to keep. But I also 
decided to keep on smoking cigarettes. For man needs pleasure. And 
this was mine. This started a whole new train of thought. 

'Man needs pleasure? Please clarify.'

It was like I was talking to a part of my brain! I sought for the 
answer inside my mind. 

"Man needs pleasure because it is one of the emotions that we have. If 
we do not use it, we might as well be robots in the process."

Satisfied with my answer, I killed my cigarette and lit up a new one. 
I knew that there are about a million thoughts in my head, but only a 
few crops up each time I think of them. And so I dove into my 
subconsious again for a thought. I took another puff at my cigarette 
and drank some of the softdrink that I had with me. Then I found it. 
I quietly asked myself. 

'What was I doing here sitting in the dark?' 

The answer popped up as soon as the question resolved. 

"I was here because I wanted to go to my quiet place. My mind was 
where I was happy." 

But this got me into asking. 

'Why did I need to access my brain for happiness? Was I not happy in 
the real world?' 

I found out I was not. For everytime I lunge into the real world, I 
encounter problems. And these problems require thought. In other 
words, I find questions that needed answers. But there were no answers 
for the question that I encounter, or at least none that I know of. It 
is true that there are answers for every question. But in the irony of 
this logic, there are also more questions for each answer. 

'So what you're saying is that the area of the subconsious is about as 
vast as the expanse of the universe?'

"Yes. By the time we have unlocked the many wonders of the human brain 
and the subconsious, we would have already been gods. For the secret 
of life itself is within the expanse of the human mind. If we could 
explain our stature here on this earth, we could explain everything 
else."

I was curious with myself. 

'How did I know that? How did I know all these questions? How come I 
did not know all the answers?'

But I was just repeating my question earlier, for the same answer came 
right at my face.

"Then again if I knew all the answers, there would be no need of such 
questions."

The Japanese part of me answered.

-So kah...-

Then I noticed that my cigarette was already at the filter. I put it 
out and lit another one. My attention turned on the radio.

'Why the hell is NU playing disco music?'

"Duh! It's OpenHouse!"

'I hate OpenHouse! Goddamnit! I guess the world changes once again 
without my permission.'

"You moron. The world doesn't need your permission to change. It's 
constant. And you, my friend, can't stop it. You can only take it or 
shove it aside."

Was my brain actually fighting with itself?

'Oh well… I guess I could just wait for four o' clock to hit.'

"You do that."

I couldn't believe it myself. I was actually having an argument with 
myself! One part of my brain said

[Maybe I'm going mad. I know I'm crazy... But mad?]

"No… You're not going mad. This is normal you fool. It's just that you 
don't notice it that much because you're always busy with the real 
world."

[So what you're saying is that those guys with split personality and 
those skitzos are just letting themselves let go?]

"No you moron. Those guys have a problem with keeping it inside their 
head! Never EVER compare yourself with those guys because those guys 
are outside the norm!]

'Oh… And I suppose this is norm?'

"Not exactly... It's just that in the duration of your thinking, you 
create different personas inside your mind. Take me for instance. I'm 
the answer persona that you've created. I'm the one who answers those 
questions that you keep creating inside your mind. Even though I'm not 
entirely accurate, I try to answer."

(Hehe... Don't worry about it... There is none of us here that are 
entirely accurate. It is because we are only fragments of your mind. 
Each one of us here is someone else entirely.)

It was like I was going crazy all of the sudden. I was actually having 
a conversation with myself. No... Let me rephrase that... I was having 
an argument with myself.

'So which of us is the main thought?'

"That would be you."

[I disagree... All of us are the main thought. And yet none of us is 
the main thought.]

"Hmmm… Maybe you're right."

(It's just that none of us can be too sure... I mean after all... If 
we were sure, then we wouldn't be here in the first place now would 
we?)

'Huh? What do you mean by that?'

"He means that if we were so sure of anything at all, then we would 
not exist. I know it's quite deep, for even I do not know what it 
means. But it has to mean something."

[I know what it means. It just means that what you have asked was 
unaswerable. And so we live. And so we live...]

'Okay...'

-So des ne...-

I was so lost in my thought that I didn't even notice the change of 
music. Then something beautiful happened. A random thought hit my 
brain.

'You think that I would be able to find that next-door type of girl 
I've been longing for?'

Not one of the personas could answer. I did not know if it was out of 
sheer humility or because it was on the verge of the unknown. For 
once, my brain went silent. I was happy and sad at the same time. 
Happy cause I found something that I could not answer and yet sad at 
the thought that I didn't have even a small fraction of an answer. I 
was at a standstill for five minutes. Five long minutes of brain 
silence. I looked at the ashtray and saw that I've been smoking 
cigarettes without my knowledge. I counted the butts. There were nine.

'HOW IN THE HELL DID THAT HAPPENED?'

"Oh come on man! You didn't even notice that OpenHouse was already 
finished!"

'Oh yeah...'

And so, with the use of my ligher, I looked at the time and saw that 
an hour had already passed.

'Oh well... I guess it's time to bother people... Time to write 
meaningless crap on the internet!'

And that concluded the fight within my subconsious. Right now, I only 
notice one of the personas that I had created. I know that the others 
are back there in my mind somewhere. I can't wait to bombard them with 
questions again...



"Always remember... There would be no answers whatsoever if there were 
no questions in the first place. So always ask questions, for it is 
something that you will never run out of." ---> David

"Always have at least nine hours of sleep everyday. And sleep around 
ten or twelve in the evening, lest you turn out like me. =D" ---> 
DaViD